Monday, March 30, 2009

Full of...

Shit.
Trying not to think about him doesn't help. I thought it would. Why does the hurt keep coming back? How long does it take to get over it? Would it be better if he talked to me and told me why and broke my heart, snapping it cleanly in two or is it better to let it fade away? Better, maybe...for him, to let it fade away, I'm sure it's much better for him.

Do men not have guilty consciences? Maybe just not this one.

What do I know? Little of men, that's for sure.

I wanted so badly to stay innocent. I thought that way I could have this beautiful dream of happiness in the arms of a lover. What if I'm tramatized and can't bring myself to trust another? I thought for sure he was different. I thought for sure that he was everything he promised me he was.

No I didn't. I lie. I wanted him to be everything he said he was. I knew he was only human but wanted to give him every single benefit of a doubt, and then some. I wanted him to see in me what I have glimpsed in myself. I am discovering that there is more to me than I ever thought possible and I hoped that if he could touch me and be with me in a way that was closer than anyone had ever been with me before, than he would confirm that I was this wonderful person just waiting to get out. When he didn't see it, I doubted that there was any depth to me at all.

I thought that if I overlooked the not so noble things in him than he would also overlook the not so interesting things in me. I wanted to be for him everything I also wanted him to be for me. Somehow I thought it could work like a mirror.

This is my test, isn't it? To not let this suck me down. To come out on top and feel better about myself than ever before. To trust that it's NOT me and that it is him. He is the one that has never had a long term relationship in his whole life. I'm nothing but long term relationships, commitments and...letting go . Maybe he had already gone well beyond his saturation point. Maybe he had already tried and tried again and is tired of trying. I loved it so much when he tried. I was in heaven when he was trying. I heard it in his voice, I saw it in his eyes, I felt it in his touch, there were times when he felt it. He knew there was something there, we both felt something that we admitted we had never felt before. Only he didn't seem to know how to hold on to it, or trust it, or believe in it, i'll never know which. Now I have to practice letting go, once again.

What is the Buddhist saying about being human is about suffering? We suffer because we grasp. We want things so badly that our every focus is on grasping, having and holding onto. As long as we want we will suffer. To ease suffering we must let loose our attachments. I've let loose of so many attachments already. More seem to grow back in their place, but I'll continue to practice letting go.

Letting go and trusting that my heart can take it. Drift off into the dark area of the unknown. I've come through it safetly before, why should I think I can't do it again?

Full of, so many questions.

1 comment:

Sweet Herald said...

Damn, girl. It sounds like you need closure. It's so hard to move on without it. I'm one of those people who has to have it beaten into my head. I always thought it was because Im a woman, and women fight for the relationship more than men but in time I realized it's a pattern handed down from my parents.
Anyway, I hope you find your closure soon.