The books say “when there is a problem without, then you need to look within”. I am discovering this doesn’t mean that it is something that I do to make another person act in an undesired way; it means that I need to look deeper into my own reaction/response to things that I perceive as happening to me.
I am still riddled with guilt trying to figure this out.
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I have this deep seated fear that I’m going about this life all wrong. That maybe something in my brain just doesn’t think things through in a correct way and then I wonder who is it that judges what correct thinking is besides me? How do I shape morals and values that should have been instilled in me as a child but I have to figure out as an adult? Having children has forced me to self examine things about myself so that I might instill in them a foundation for a happy life. And because I know I have to do this I wonder if I’m leaving out some vital information or I’m misconstruing some vital ethical issue that is making it difficult for me and my children to go forth into society and become productive well adjusted adults. This is a heavy burden!
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Finding out that one of my children just doesn’t fit inside the same complex box that other children fit into has been this slow heartbreaking experience and at the same time he is joy to discover. He thinks in a different way than I can understand. Sometimes he does things that are irrational, scary and out of control. He has problems that I just can’t manage by discipline, rationalizing, or force. That makes me feel irrational, scary and out of control. It’s like we are feeding off of one another but I’m the one that must come to my senses first and the only thing I can do is set by example of my own behavior; Apologize, acknowledge feelings, and admit my own defeat. I want to help and feel so woefully inept.
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Lately it’s all about holding in there until that frightening ‘fight or flight’ phase is worked through. I’m always afraid of moving too fast and doing some irreversible damage and in the process I sometimes miss out on opportunities.
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There is a conflict between opening to the sympathy of others, asking for help and revealing my vulnerability, which I wear on my sleeve. I wish there was an easier way to get around that. After the first time it does get easier. There have been men in my life that I hoped to lean on but have only failed in my attempts with them. I wallow in self pity that I haven’t been able to make that connection. Even the children’s own father has never shown the interest or emotional support that I have felt a father should towards his own children. He is uncommunicative, uncooperative and resentful of me which I still can’t understand. Well, I sort of can, I just can’t understand why he won’t let it go.
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The school system feels like this gamble of access to the right people at the right time. It doesn’t matter how well the system works it is more about how well the people involved work within the system. It is made up of all these ever changing components that try to adjust to what works best at the moment. When I get angry it is self gratifying to lay the blame ‘out there’ but when I calm down I need to work the most proactively with who ever I have to work with. It’s hard to take well meaning advice and apply it when it’s not really understood what the advice is supposed to do for me. I fear these well meaning ‘professionals’ are judging me. I fear they are going to cause me undue grief because of their own misconceptions of my life. They may have to push me for their desired response but I have to push back for my own self preservation and to keep the situation somewhat balanced. I just don’t feel that I’m very good at pushing. I’m up against people with very strong egos. This is where I rely on my back up resources, my friends.
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I feel I have learned more from the friends I’ve met in just the last few years than I’ve ever learned before. It’s mostly because I discovered how to crack open this shell and feel a bit safer in my own skin. I’m forever grateful to all my friends with all their many aspects so that I may not feel so alone, warts and all!